Yesterday I lost myself…there were whole pieces of my day that went missing. I was far from present. By the time I crawled into bed last night all I could do was reflect on how my current life circumstances were hurting my heart and my bruised ego had ruined a perfectly good yoga class (for me it was shitty-insert ego…when you teach it is not supposed to be about you) my focus was on getting perfect photos, planking to feel stable in an unstable body, disappointment of small class size, etc. these things don’t matter…but yesterday they did. Yesterday I was broken or so I thought.
It really had been a better than average day and at least an average yoga class.
The real issue: Last Friday I found out my daddy is sick. It really did not hit me until yesterday’s panic attack I suppose?!?
Every now and then the universe serves us pain…and like it or not what we do with it is always a choice.
You may find Strength can be the gain of pain(+) This was true for me after Ryan died…that pain was SO bad I felt nothing would ever shake me again(invincible comes to mind)
Self pity, ego and resistance can also be knee jerk coping skills in these times too.(-)
I defined the above yesterday and that is ok…all lessons…grow, grow, grow I shall. Footnote apologises if you sensed this in my presense.
The lesson: and yes I have reviewed this often lately…
Perspective and perception are powerful tools. The way we view things makes life real to us. My view of my day as I laid in bed recapping was SO negative…the reality is there are always at least 2 versions of our day.
My day in review from the negative perspective I carried until about 9am…
•woke to my 1st panic attack in almost 10 years
•used my free time to grocery shop and clean the kitchen #bigfun
•skipped my walk/run #loser
•rushed to grab lunch on way to clinic #lazychef
•caught up on 100s of patient notes
•allowed a patients energy to deplete my last bit of sanity
•worked to occupy Aliyah while folding paper boats for yoga
•drove to class on the phone with my aunt discussing sad things
•arrived anxious and allowed a small shift to rock me
•kept my friend from class because of my need to control photos
•taught the class I needed with ego and forgot to give my students what they needed/deserved
•forgot my boats and standing poses for pics #fail
•shared my feelings of inadequateness after class #moreego
•felt this was my worst teaching experience since Ryan died in 2005 #egomaniac
•called my dad to chat(ruminated focusing on negative)
•cried for 15 min #finallyfeelingtherealissue
•went to bed
My day in review from a reflective/calmer perspective at 9am as I lay awake…
•woke to my 1st panic attack in 10 years and immediately began to stretch and meditate with Aliyah to calm myself #learning
•filled my house with healthy organic food for the week
•Spent time chatting with neighbor while Aliyah played happily with her kids toys #selfless
•stopped at the Sea for yummy veggie potstickers and sushi
•caught up on notes my boss is kind enough to allow me to do freely when I have help with Aliyah
•calmly kept a patient with a toxic attitude on task
•planned a yoga class on envisioning loving life even in times of adversity
•noticed a young pretty girl flashing the peace sign to 2 cute guys as she passed them on her bike in a stylish bikini from beach on my drive to yoga (sensed how lucky I am to live in Fl and teach yoga for a living! Brief a ha moment
•planned photos in my mind as I instructed my students to plank, plank and plank some more…to breathe love to tense places and share flowers with the world…finished feeling a strong sense of calm, love and strength even though my mind was complete chaos when class began
•so blessed to know the talent that is Kiki Baxter Photography, and students who know me on my best days and don’t judge my hiccups in flow
•received mad love and kind words from friends who acknowledge I am human and sometimes so is my teaching, attitude, and energy
•chatted happily with Daddy on the way home #thankfulforeverynewday
•I did in fact cry a lot, but in the comfort of my loving hubby’s arms #notalone
•fell asleep feeling proud that I can at least see when I am not seeing clearly
I guess I got my own message in class…just on a delay!
Theme was: the Universe Conspires to help you reach the things u can’t see…
Stay close to the things that make you feel alive…
I am not invincible, but I am aware…and hopeful…thanks for helping me find clarity today Claudia…you will be a fab yoga teacher!!!