My life at this moment is a beautiful disaster…at least in my mind…truth be told the disaster part is ME being…well…unstable and inconsistent!

It is in some ways SO ridiculous, because my life in general is what I want it to be.  I am highly successful in my chosen career working as a private chef. My husband is loyal, funny, sexy and now THANK GOD …cancer free! My daughter is hilarious, creative, sweet and the joy of my life!

Good Right?! A beautiful life!

Sadly, there are still days (a lot of them lately!) I can’t keep my focus on all I have now! I find myself going though the motions faking it well, but left feeling angry or lethargic…longing for the end of the day when my head hits the pillow and then I can’t sleep?!?!

I fully comprehend my negative state and yet find it hard to shift the blues I feel lately. These blues unaddressed have started to make me aggressive in the wrong settings, physical run down to the point of sick and lazy in my workouts.

Today I’m putting it all out there -the grief I’ve carried since my father died just over 6 months ago feels like I gained 500lbs and I’m tired of carrying that!

It is time to get real with myself and once again keep skinny! My grief has resulted in some old habits sneaking into my life and making my mood worse!!!

Admitting when we’re drowning is never fun…and asking for help has never been my strong suit…no matter…these habits have got to be put in check -as do I!!

-Emotional Eating…Sugarfest and worse daily meal Skipping-YUck!

-Harsh Self Talk, lack of sleep, negative attitude-SUcks!

-Inconsistency in self care and isolation -FUck!

The truth is…I’m human…I’m still grieving my daddy, carrying residual stress from caring for him for 2 years….Watching all his suffering and regret up close was nothing short of awful! People die…this is not my 1st loss…Life is not fair!!!!! But I know deep down(when I’m caring for myself!)it can be Beautiful -no matter what!

How???

It’s really simple when I’m feeling good-For me stability and clarity all begin with a good run and a great meal!

This is not something new to me…exercise has forever been a huge part of what makes me feel good(whole!).  I know Eating well and regularly is essential to supporting my emotional and physical wellness.

I get stuck in these patterns simply because I neglect my deepest needs…I start the pity party and dig in deeper with rage and before I know it anxiety is in charge…Uhhhh…and by then the run is merely a way to survive not thrive.

Well…I believe what we think, say and do is what matters most…so I’m committed to rid myself of these bad habits again by years end…for my sanity and the preservation of MY beautiful life.

Somedays we have to choose to do the things we think we can’t…some days we have to stop the screaming, dry the tears, take a deep breath and remind ourselves survival is a practice! Practice is what keeps us true to ourselves so we can thrive…not just survive.

Yesterday when I felt I could no longer go on in this depressing state I laced up my newtons and ran.  I ran the fastest most cathartic 4 miles of my life…it’s a new beginning.

I can support myself in grief and still choose the grateful attitude toward my life…daddy would be proud!